I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
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I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
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Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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