we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
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I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
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My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
did i just pee glitter