I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.