Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
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just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.