im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Randomize
