I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
