U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize