He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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