toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
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He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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