Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
