i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
