I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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