I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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