Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
