I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
