ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
