my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
