i wish my penis had a tongue
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need moral support for this bender
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
