i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
