This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
