Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
