I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
