Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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