I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
