I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
operation harelip BJ is a go
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
