i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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