dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
