i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
