things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
