Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
