Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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