Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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