there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
