If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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