I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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