Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
