Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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