What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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