I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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