Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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