Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
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can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
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Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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