I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
