I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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