please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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