Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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