and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I puked a lego.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
