just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
