I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
