The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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