I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
