I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
