So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
