Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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