remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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