he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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