Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
