im having a threesome with these popsicles
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
