I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
