so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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